starting my own business

I need to have money to be free on my own. 

I dont want to need anyone, I do not like that for myself. 

so Its becoming a must that I start my own business.. 

the problem is I dont know how to start. nor what to start in.

but I’m sure I’ll do it. 

I’m strong enough



one should bot love others too much

the love I have in my life that happens to be over the normal lines of love, kills me

you just want to be with them all the time

you’re jealous, worried, sad 

I need to love less? 

just dont

I’m writing this because in a movie I saw they said that it helps.

I dont want to wait any longer.

it kills me to wait

and it kills me to feel that someone would only come cause they pity me waiting.

so its two things that I no longer want: waiting, and pi

now that I’m sad and lonely I still dont want pity. 

I feel more bad when he pity on me, and takes me out

or even tries to make me laugh

because he pity me so much

oh yes I am the lonely sad wife with nothing to do but to watch tv.

is it my fault that I dont have anything to do 

no one to see

is it my fault that I am lonely

I dont need no body’s love

I dont know what’s happening to me falling apart like that is not something I do everyday

I miss being strong


asked for

now it seems like I only ask for others

it breaks my heart how alone I am

even I pity me!!

it breaks my heart


I’ve been extremely ill this week, and felt extrem pain too.

And because I love writing in this blog, even when I was in pain I thought to myself “when I get better I will write about how I felt when I was in pain”

Now pain, is a word that has different meanings, but now I will only write about pure fiscal pain. 

I had Vaginitis, and I’ve never heard of it in my entire life. and so it developed so much before I decided going to a dr.

so When I went I was already in so much pain. I woke up of pain asking my husband to take me to a hospital, because I could no longer take it. 

in the coming days I’ve suffered. 

I never knew this much of pain could exist, I screamed and cried, loud so loud.

I wished If I could do anything to stop this pain of coming. 

I was hurt so much, that I cried of my heart asking and praying to Allah to relief me from what I was having.

it’s insane how weak I felt, how everything elese seemd meaningless until this pain goes. 

I could not eat, sit, sleep, talk of pain. 

I’m not completely well now, but so much better thanks to Allah. 

I only started to get better when I started reading Qura’an. Thanks to Allah❤️❤️❤️🙏🏻

The other thing is how much it was awful for my lovely husband to see me in such pain. 

everytime he hugs me all I want to do is cry so hard. 

I felt if I cried enough pain would go. 

but then I realized, that the more I pray it goes. 

pain is a very strange thing. it changes a human in a matter of days, if not hours. 

I feel like I look at everything differently now. everyday I had with no pain seems like heaven.

I’m much more thankful, to everything. 

but first to Allah. 

I think I was complaining so much about not having anything to do. Now I shall complain less, thank more. 

I appreciate every day. every laughter with him. 

I love him. so deeply

it makes me wanna cry. 

فات المعاد

العنوان فات المعاد بدلا من فات الميعاد، لأن أم كلثوم قالتها هكذا بلسانها المصري.

لم أسمع من قبل أغنية كاملة لأم كلثوم. ولا واحدة. دائمًا ما كنت أشعر بالخوف من ذلك. لأني اذا وجدت أغنية أكثر من عشر دقائق أرتعد من ضياع وقتي وبمعنى آخر أخاف تكون طفش. 

ولكن هذه المرة قررت المجازفة، بعد شعور أني لا أعرف بعد.. من الموسيقى شيئًا. 

اخترت أغنية فات الميعاد، لأن جزءًا منها قريب جدًا من قلبي “تفيد بإيه ياندم” وكان يتدندن بخاطري منذ الصباح. فعندما فتحت يوتيوب بحثت عنها حتى دون أن أفكر. 

ساعة وعشر دقائق سحرية قضيتها من أم كلثوم، لا أتذكر أبدًا أغنية سمعتها بكل هذا الشغف من قبل، عدا عبدالوهاب.

كان الملحن بليغ حمدي يخشى من أن يضع لحنًا حزينًا لهذه الكلمات، إذ أن آخر أغنية له مع السيدة فشلت وذلك لأن لحنها كان حزينًا جدًا. الحقيقة أن اللحن لا يعقل، وكأنه استوحاه من السماوات. 

يمتاز تلحينه بكونه حزينًا وسعيدًا ويملأ فيك نوعًا من الحماس في تقلبه هذا.

أما الغناء فأنا أتحدث من كونه عبقريًا، فلحظة أشعر بالسخرية في صوتها، وأحيانًا بالحزن والأمل المنقطع. وعندما تقول “عايزنا نرجع زي زمان.. قول للزمان ارجع يا زمان” أشعر وكأنها تصفع وتغني في آن واحد. لا شك أن السيدة تعرف تماما كيف تغني كل مقطع، بل كل كلمة. وتعرف تماما متى تقول آه، ومتى تقصر. 

أظن أنني تعلمت الكثير عن الموسيقى من أغنية واحدة أكثر مما قد أتعلم اذا حضرت درسًا موسيقيا. وان الموسيقى تنتقل بين الارواح، فشعرت بروح السيدة وشغف الملحن ومشاعر الشاعر وكأنه تحوطني وتطلب مني أن أنغمس.. وأن أفهم.

والدهشة أني فهمت، فهمت جيدًا. 

Arabic poem transaltion 

This is a part from an arabic poem written by iraqi poet Alsyyab.

How did I not love you

How did I lose you

If only my legs, like yesterday, would fly as I walk

I’d go all around looking for you

 Destiny has cut our bridges down

But the poet has died inside of me, so did my dreams

post 44 of 60

sweeter than honey

It’s always amazing how the words of a loving man can change a woman’s life.

How god gave this ability to men that soften the hearts of women. 

My husband has this gift, he is so blessed to take over my soul for only a word or two.. I would surrender.

Though its not only one word that changes everything, but the tone, the look and the lovely soft touch. that completes the art piece of love. 

“You’re so sweet, sweeter than honey”

Anyone can say it, but when it comes from the lips we love, it will have its own magic power. 

post 43 of 60 


Why do I keep writing about all these things that bothers, hurts me without giving any solutions for it.

it just seem like a circle.

from about six months, the same worries repeat itself over and over again. 

but no answer at all? 

I dont think I have a solution to be honest. 

I’m just hopping from Allah to help me get through all of this. 

I just want to be in my house, with my husband, happy. 

thats all I really want. and it brings so many tears to my eyes

post 42 of 60


I dont know why my heart hurts so much? 

Is it the fact that I’m being so judge by everyone for the first time, so harshly they judge me.

or am I aftaid of being judged too by my own husband.

I believe both the reasons.

I’m feeling crowded by all of them.

I really deeply wish if I can go on my own. just for one day. I miss being myself. 

and is it their fault that I stopped being myself or is it mine. 

I’m afraid of everyone including myself. I seem to hurt me pretty much too. 

Is it really a good reason to judge someone just because they happen to get married? 

I dont think I’ve ever done that. but I’m doing it now to myself, so does my mum, my family, my friends and my husband. 

post 41 of 60

A book massage

After a long tiring day, the first thing that comes up on my mind is a book. 

really there is something so comforting in reading. 

Is it the fact that while reading we shut our brain down and all what we do is recive someones eles ideas? 

I think when I read I think of absloutly nothing, just the book. 

I cant find a good book to read lately. 

but I’m trying to read this book”I speak all languages, but in Arabic”

I’m going to read it now because I’m really tired. 

post 40 of 60